Deep room cleaning on a Sunday morning. Pancake and coffee breakfast. Unexpected electricity and internet.
This morning I went through and cleaned out most of my personal belongings and decided what laundry needed to be washed this afternoon. I came across a pocket full of old receipts, I’m not sure how they got there or why I had kept them, but I read through each one. It was really all just a mixture of Starbucks and airport store receipts from the past year. I took the time to throw each one away individually, in a sense throwing away small parts of my year. In some strange way this action contained symbolism for me. It was as if I was looking at the past, and getting rid of what I didn’t need. My only thought was, I want to leave my past behind me, I want to go home different. I want this time to count for something. It’s easy to get caught up in the difficulties of living in a third world nation. It’s easy to let yourself believe that going home to comfort will fix all your problems, and make life better. I know I’ve gone through my fair share of hard times being here, but nothing in comparison to the people who actually live here. I don’t know what it is, but there is something inside of me, even still, that says, you deserve what you have in Canada, you have a right to it. My heart is torn between two realities. Like, if I run away from other peoples problems, then they wont exist. But the facts are, once you see it, once to speak to someone, or experience their life, its impossible to forget. Sure, we can turn off compassion, become numb to everything and wait it out. But once God plants His love in you, its strong. At the beginning of this week we had a severe hurricane warning expected to arrive in the next few days. As we were praying into it I was overwhelmed with the sense of concern for the people living in tents just down the road. I was moved to speak to the staff about my thoughts and was brought to tears at the thought of hundreds of people with no where to go if floods and mudslides did come. I’m not saying this to sound better than anyone, in fact most of the staff felt the same way. I want to say it, because I know God was the one who gave me that heart, and I really think there is something in that. I was overwhelmed by the thought that hundreds of relief workers arrive after a disaster, but where are all these people when they see the storm coming? It was days before the hurricane and yet no one was planning to move these people out of their current state. Will we always be there to clean up the mess instead of prevent it? I needed to do something. Anything I thought. So we broke up into teams to walk around the neighbourhood ( we live in quite a nice part of the city; gates, guards and big houses) I thought surely we could find enough people willing to open their homes to families in the tent city if the storm got too bad. Five. Five houses offered to take people in. Most of the responses I got sounded something like ‘ Sorry Ma’am I can’t do that. This is a government building’ Without hesitation. ‘Sorry, we are the UN, not an NGO. Try the house down the street’ Each house we stopped at, similar answers. As we walked down the road, pouring rain, I felt discouraged. Mostly I think because we hadn’t taken the time to build relationships with these people either. So why should we expect open arms from them. Also because I had thought we were all in Haiti for the same basic reason. Although the hurricane never came, those responses stuck with me. I have to ask myself, am I saying that to God? ‘sorry, that’s not in my contract. I didn’t sign up for that. oh no, to hard lets pack it up and go home’ If it’s not looking how I want it to look, am I more willing to complain then to take advantage of it. I can say it’s not about me, but unless I really live it, it’s just talk. We were reading in James on Friday in class, and my group pointed out a verse. “ Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks in a mirror and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.” James 1:22-25 I don’t want to read, and feel and see what God is showing me, and forget all of it. I want to practice what I preach. I know what it says and what I am here to do. I can’t leave with the intention to forget it all.
with all that said. I believe God has insane amounts of grace over me. I wont succeed in everything I do or try but at least I know where I’m supposed to be. The weight of the world is not on my shoulders, and I don’t have to carry Haiti’s burdens. God shows me small pieces of His heart for this nation and I feel my love for it growing. Three months may not be a long time at all, but if I give everything I can it will be well worth it. I know its not about the action itself, but the heart behind it that counts.
How in the world did I get here?
I love you!!
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